Eldritch decided he was going to take a nap while the others continued to explore. Maybe catch a pedi, which is par for the course if you read Band of Murderhobos. "You are obviousy one of those little self taught thieves," said Nia to Poe the Perplexed. "Back alley purse snatcher who doesn't pay union dues. You though I like, unlike her. She is ill-mannered, ill-bred and ill-tempered." Ever see someone say Oh go fuck yourself with a roll of the eyes? Nimway the Cranky Bitch can totally pull off said maneuver. "You know, I don't trust that bitch," was Nimway's response. And thus the legendary bonds spoken of so frequently in the annals of high fantasy are forged.
The group decided to let Nia show them the area of the castle she had explored previously while searching for her family's amulet. "Do you want to search for traps?" Poe asked Nia when they stopped outside a previously unexplored door. "No, by all means, let's see this vaunted technique of yours." Nothing found. However while checking an antique desk they found inside for traps (She is after all named Poe the Perplexed, if she hadn't checked an antique writing desk for poisoned traps I would have felt rather crestfallen) she did find a terrified nine year old hiding from ghosts whom he was convinced were going to catch, cook and consume him. And how was he assuaging this fear? By eating a rather large chunk of cheese. It took everything I had to not exclaim, "Cheese Grommet!"
"Well maybe hauling a brat around with us is our penance for killing mothers on Mother's Day," observed Nimway and off went our greedy little band of butchers. They had not gone far before Nia drew them up short. Holding her notebook in hand she prodded the stones in front of them by dagger point until the floor sank, revealing itself to be cleverly painted canvas. "Walk on either side of the passage, not down the center." "Alright, maybe the bitch has a few redeeming qualities," Nimway conceded.
 |
| Map by Harry Two-Feet and Tippy |
In the next room they found Undead Anthony Bourdain and his assistants working in a fully outfitted Wiliams Sonoma kitchen complete with happily burbling cauldron, spice racks, wooden cages full of properly fattened and squalling children. and several completed rat hors d'oeuvres. A pitched battle ensued during the course of which Nimway the Cranky Bitch cleanly severed the chef's right arm whereupon it fell to the floor and proceeded to skitter around giving the finger and making a nuisance of itself until stamped upon and finally destroyed. Harry Two-Feet killed the floor with an arrow until he and Tippy settled into the killing game. And wonder of wonders, Chu-Chu killed an undead kitchen assistant. Scorecard so far for physically killing something: Chu-Chu=1/Eldritch=0. I'm sure this will be brought up repeatedly in coming sessions. Chu-Chu drew first blood. Nimway celebrated the sucessful battle by chompindg down on a rat hors d'oeuvre because she's Nimway. Just be happy they hadn't gotten around to the kids yet. "Have you cooked the children? The Nimway Chronicles."
Faced with the prospect of tromping around an abandoned and haunted castle with half a dozen sniffling children in tow my band of murderhobos briefly considered taking them to the room where they'd met Nia and locking them in until they cleared the dungeon. "But if we get killed they starve to death and that's bad news," said Poe and they all agreed on this point. Mommy Dearest: Castle of the Silver Princess would not be a pretty legacy by which to be remembered. So eventually they took the little beasts to the entrance way of the castle, Nimway gave them her extra sword in case of wolves and "Hey, good luck out there. Village is that way." Murderhobos. They care. A little. Somewhat.
Now I don't know what this was. Slip of the mind. A brain fart. Whatever. Every other door. Check for traps, listen at door. Except this door, where listening at the door would have helped. They checked for traps and...
"I'll open the door."
"Strange and discordant music comes screeching out of the room. You see skeletons sawing away violently at decrepit and decayed instruments that stop, turn and stare at you.""Oh shit I shut the door."
"Too late. A large skeletal hand with scraps of skin and gristle hanging off it grabs hold of the door and flings it wide."
"Wait, what are the dimensions of this room?"
"Uh uh, no fucking way, you're under attack by goddamn skeletons, no mapping room dimensions you OCD squat."
"Precisely how many skeletons are there?"
"A frigging lot. You were surprised as hell and there's a room full of fucking skeletons. It's not like you went to the grocery store and saw a bin full of cucumbers."
Once they settled down and quit trying to advantage play every angle available they did quite well. (In truth I'd be quite disappointed if they didn't try to game the system. It is a game after all.) Ely remembered he could turn undead and did so quite ably. (Ely reminds me of Eeyore as a cleric. "Oh they couldn't possibly be scared of me...") and took joy in smashing brittle bones with his mace. Chu-Chu, possibly emboldened by her previous success, laid to with gusto. Poe nailed a few herself. Tippy and Harry, tired of killing castle floors, moved onto slaying castle walls before laying down fields of fire that even with the undead's resistance to edged weapons managed to dirt nap the few skeletons left by the human's onslaught. This was nothing compared to the plunder. I never intended to world build in a Tolkienesque manner much less assign this "campaign" a high fantasy name along the lines of "Aboradorm" but if I did I'd totally name it Cubic Zirconia because oh my gods would they lose their fucking minds over that shit.
"There's a cello as well."
"Is that worth money?"
"Probably."
"We'll come back for it."
This is how Nimway developed the concept of "Stash & Slash". It's pretty self explanatory. Find room behind hidden door. Kill everything. Take their shit. Stash it. Repeat as necessary. Of course the noise of hauling all that shit increases the chances of attracting the attention of crazy ass monsters wandering the halls of the haunted castle. Or not listening to Nia's warnings and falling into shallow pits in the hallways that have mud dauber's nests carefully cultivated within them. Yet this does little to deter a diehard murderhobo from their true calling.
At this time Poe the Perplexed has decided she is the biologist/anthropologist of the Dungeoneering Expiditionary Force and spends her free time sketching/taking notes of the wildlife/fauna/ecosystems they're traversing. Of course since they are gleefully slaughtering everything in sight I can't help but think of the character of The Judge from Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian. Then again we have Harry and his OCD like quest to map dungeons precisely even while monsters are attacking. And the rest of my merry bunch of mischief makers. Nimway the Cranky Bitch chomping on rat hors d'oeuvres, Chu-Chu and Eldritch dick measuring by way of magic missles before they even make it to the entrance to the castle? Nope, we laugh too much. We have entirely too much fun and there's too much of Jodorowsky's "Fuck you all we don't need no stinking badges!" anarchism in our blood for that bullshit so we'll take The Drop Edge of Yonder over Blood Meridian thank you very much. Zebulon lives.
Gothpunk D&D Mix #5
1 Psycho Killer by Talking Heads2 Faith by Violent Femmes
3 I Want More by Suicidal Tendencies
4 Hallowed Be Thy Name by Iron Maiden
5 My War by Black Flag
6 Blue Jump by Wax Audio
7 Plan 9 Channel 7 by The Damned
8 Marked for Life by Poison Idea
9 Hurricane Fighter Plane by Alien Sex Fiend
10 Figurative Theatre by Christian Death
11 Vile by Melvins
12 Sex Dwarf by Soft Cell
13 Instant Club Hit (You'll Dance to Anything) by Dead Milkmen
14 Stukas Over Disneyland by The Dickies
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